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where change happens |
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| Our strongest recommendations come from past clients. Below are just a few testimonials from programme graduates. | ||||
| Lisa | ||||
| Claire | ||||
| John | ||||
| Josie | ||||
| Gary | ||||
| Sammi | ||||
| Julie | ||||
| Bob |
My Story
Coming to Core didn’t save my life. Not literally. I was sustainably undead, only half dead. Dead inside where nobody could see.
I didn’t have feelings at all. I had concealed my feelings about absolutely everything for so long there was nothing left. . Feelings had a place in songs, films and books, where ennobled they could stay.
Drinking was getting on my nerves though. The fact that it was necessary. The logistical nightmare of maintaining optimal dosage was my life. There was no other point. Of me. That’s what I was for. That and my story.
So I came to Core totally clueless. I was attracted by the complementary therapies, although fearful of intrusions. I loved the cottages and the non clinical look of the place. I was anxious about fitting in, although I’d always fitted in everywhere. Nowhere had ever felt right though. I suppose I was expecting a life-story approach, along the lines of ‘that’s why I’m such a wreck’; ‘you poor thing’. Try not to cry. Followed by helpful tips on expunging bad influences, avoiding parties, that sort of thing. What I was after was a strategy for coping, for function in society, for removing the shame of doing nothing very slowly.
I came to give something up, not to give anything away. What could therapy change? It couldn’t give me back what I had lost or never had. If it tried to take away my pain it couldn’t because I wasn’t giving it. Nobody was going to hijack it.
I had no idea what holistic meant. Just as well.
Acupuncture was fabulous, a complete revelation. The range of therapies on offer helped hugely eve in the very early days of radical shock. I was blessed with unbelievable kind therapists it was impossible not to trust, and experienced a gentle awakening. Very slowly, and with enormous patience from these special people, I started noticing things beyond my precious pain. Little things, Vague glimmers. Real friends.
Groups were awful. I was alienated and dumbstruck by the lack of clues as to what was going on. Everybody else seemed to know except me the freak. There was no apparent subject, no arguments and less story.
Psychotherapy was extremely alarming to, being all about me. Nowhere near as bad as the groups though. Less audience.
Feelings! These have crept in. Now I have to constantly scan myself for them instead of having ideas and making up jokes. A lot of this is down to a unique therapist who didn’t give up on helping me find them. and to the safe accepting world of Core. I had to find a way of being too, so far outside and beyond my treasured definition of doing. It was very hard. The point is a person. And people.
I have got a huge amount from my too short year at Core-awareness, confidence, trust and hope – not the personality exfoliation I came for.
I used to drink and hate myself. Now I don’t. Feelings are a real problem though!
Having been Bulimic since I was 15 I’ve spent 18 years bingeing, vomiting, taking laxatives etc with no one batting an eyelid. Bulimia was a normal part of my life. I was aware it wasn’t ‘normal’ behaviour but it wasn’t that big a deal. I’d told my parent, brothers, partners and friends about the problem and no one seemed unduly bothered – friends even bought laxatives for me if I couldn’t get to a chemist! Around the same time that my food difficulties began I discovered alcohol. Once again everything seemed quite normal and I didn’t think I was doing anything that different from anyone else. My drinking (which found narcotics and ideal partner in crime) caused minor hiccups in my life – little or no recollection of periods spent drinking and using, upsetting family/friends when drunk, fractured fingers, a broken foot, embarrassing situations with members of the opposite sex (to name but a few) …but that happens to everyone… doesn’t it? I realise now that it doesn’t. When I look back a t how self destructive I was ban how much damage I did to myself it hurts. The food, laxative, drug and alcohol abuse progressed, as did the underlying depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. The alcohol abuse led to alcohol addiction/ dependency/alcoholism – call it what you will – I was in trouble. While everything internally was spiraling out of control I maintained a professional career and on the whole did a very good job of presenting myself as a ‘together’ person. Gradually I couldn’t do it anymore – I lost my driving licence, my job, my friends, my family and my home.
Following a personal trauma I was given counselling and was referred to an Eating Disorder Unit (EDU). They were unable to begin treating me as I was drinking too much. I approached my local alcohol service but he chaos that I lived in made it extremely difficult for them also. At this stage, through trying to stop on my own had become a binge drinker and used drugs occasionally. I had a home detox which briefly seemed successful. Shortly afterwards I was admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital having been found unconscious in the hospital grounds (I’d been due to attend an EDU appointment and had drunk a copious amount of alcohol en route).
After this I went to a residential rehab in Luton. My alcohol addiction was so overwhelming at this time that I stayed or only tow and half weeks before I was asked to leave as I had relapsed. This wasn’t supposed to happen – I should have gone to rehab, stayed 6 months, been cured and returned home to restart my life!!!
At first I was too ashamed to return to London to face people. In Luton I had no problem facing people who sold alcohol. Eventually I returned to London. I went to my 2nd residential rehab where I stayed for 3.5 months before I relapsed and was asked to leave. As I had no where to live I slept in emergency hostels and slept rough until I found a hostel space and moved in 3 years ago. I continued to binge on food and drink, use drugs and vomit. Thankfully, I was referred to the Social Services who referred me to the Core trust. I attended the programme between October 2003 and October 2004.
As an “old hand’ at rehab I thought I knew what to expect but this was journey I could have had no preparation for. I was involved in a range of therapies including group and individual psychotherapy, auricular and body acupuncture, reiki, reflexology, cranial sacral treatment, art therapy and photography. I cam to Core because my drinking had caused my life to disintegrate and I wanted to learn to stop. What I learnt at Core was that I was unable to experience feelings. At the beginning when I was asked by therapist how I felt I wasn’t aware that I felt anything. I thought that things around me and involving me just happened. I just found myself food bingeing or before I started at Core, I had just been walking down the road normally one minute then I had a bottle of vodka in my hand the next – no reason. Nothing had happened to cause these things!? I know now how wrong I was.
I was given the time and space to make realisations, some I made for myself and others were pointed out to me. What I learned was that I had been/was unable to deal with how I was feeling at a given time and tried to change it or blank it out by abusing substances.
Core taught me that Bulimia is no more acceptable than any other addiction. At times I felt quite hard done by when my self-induced vomiting was treated as a relapse. Underlying these feelings I knew that I had used, the substance was irrelevant. The spirit of community at Core is one that I had not experienced elsewhere – I believe this is due to the fact that the programme lasts for a year. During this time people have time to build up relationships and learn form peers at all stages of recovery. I know that to get better I had to get down to the real me, underneath all my protective layers and masks; I couldn’t do this if I was trying to be liked, I said many times “ I’m not here to make friends”. I am delighted, now, however, that I have very special people in my life some of whom left before I did and some who went through the whole process at the same time as me. These are close friends who I see socially a can depend on for support. This is something I never expected to happen.
Leaving The Core Trust was a momentous time for me; I had attained the longest period of sobriety I have ever achieved also the longest period of abstinence from self-induced vomiting. Additionally, I have finally managed to complete a programme successfully without relapsing on alcohol. The transition period has been difficult. I have had to learn to survive without the clear structure in my life which core provided an without returning to the existence I’d previously known one of alcohol, food obsession and self induced vomiting, drugs, isolation and self hatred. I have been abstinent form alcohol for 15 months; been clean of drugs for over 2 years; and not self-induced vomiting for 6 months.
Although I worked with my therapist once a week while I was at Core full time there are still many issues which have not been covered or are unresolved. The relationship which I built up with my therapist over the year I was at ore is based on trust and mutual respect. Although I have made more progress than I ever dreamed possible I am aware that my recovery is in its infancy. My funding form Social Services has ended but I have secured funding from the NHS to continue my vital psychotherapy sessions. Without with this and the Core After Care Group I would not feel confident in my ability to remain abstinent.
The year I spent at Core not only enabled me to live but it also gave me a life that I hadn’t thought possible. I have worked as a volunteer at a drop in centre for the homeless for 14 months. I’m starting voluntary work in the HR Department of The Priory next week. When I complete my University course MA Human Resource Management in September 2005 I aim to gain full time employment as an HR Manager for a charity that helps people who are experiencing homelessness/addiction problems.
After 20 years of heavy drinking my flat was a mess, no light bulbs, bags of rubbish everywhere and I hadn’t opened a letter in years. Then one day I stopped drinking and I started at Core.
At 3 months I had light bulbs, my flat was clean and I had a better understanding of why I needed to drink.
At 6 months my health was better and I was dealing with my HIV status.
At 1 year I had finished After Care, was accessing a computer course and I am still drink and drug free.
I was like a little girl in desperate need of being guided, taught, helped, and reassured. How could a reasonable person expect me to be able to be a mother to my little girl Lisa? She is the rescuer of the mess in my past life, she was in so much pain, so angry and she had to start to know me as a complete different person. A woman in pain but willing to live and taking responsibilities, a mother who loves her daughter and fights to make “our” lives better, a woman able to put boundaries in order to protect and teach, a woman able to let go even when it’s so painful.
“CoreKids” has supported me, helped me to change and deal with my reality as a parent who is an addict. You have taught me to be an “adult mother”, and I know that without all this sooner or later I would have relapsed. It’s a very hard journey and I couldn’t have started it without your support and help.
Thank you Ian
Thank you Grainne
Thank you CoreKids
CoreKids is a vital part, I’m the recovery of an addict with kids and it means to be supported and included in the Core programme.
Thank you Core,
“I started at Core after being kicked out of residential rehab, I was 34. I had been taking drugs since a very early age and on heroin since 16. The last time I was clean was when I was 12. The last 18months of my using were particularly horrific. I had been released from prison and jumped straight back into the hole I knew so well. Death really did seem like a good option.
These words drew me to Core individual and holistic. Many things happened while at Core, my recovery had been a long time coming and I knew I wasn’t going to be in for an easy ride.
Would I be clean if I hadn’t attended Core? I like to think so but who knows. Did I benefit from attending and completing Core? I must answer with a resounding and empathic YES. I’m writing this on a keyboard and before I couldn’t even use a mobile phone. Now I own and use a computer.
From a bedraggled half living corpse on the brink of the abyss, from a situation where death seemed a very good option, always sick, unhealthy to the max, always scratching for cash and a love life that was so lacking it hurt. To What? To being fairly fit and healthy, to being in a relationship with money in my pocket and a decent roof over my head. Most importantly, I am happy. “
Having the support of CoreKids gave me the understanding of how my using affected Katie. Building my relationship back up with her was one of my core issues. Today I feel because of the support we were both given our relationship is better than ever, its not easy but it feels healthy.
My recovery would not be the same if it were not for the specific time and space, which allowed me to look at my relationship, and Katie having that time and space too.
CoreKids is priceless.
By the time I’d left Core I had been attending for 13 months, believe me when I say that time flew by.
I remember how nervous I was on that first day and the thought of having to in everyday for a year nearly sent me scurrying for the hills.
There is something special about Core and it’s people, before long I found myself at one with the place. I was far from at one with myself, so that was a welcome feeling.
It has been a journey of painful self discovery, one that I’m still on and always will be. The one thing I do believe, if it hadn’t been for Core holding and guiding me, without judgement my life would be very different. Whether I’d be alive at all is doubtful.
Now I’m 17 months sober, have a new flat and am looking forward to starting University in September, I still have difficult days but I have Core and the friends I made there to support me and get me grounded again.
Core is unique, giving you time to really look at yourself and take responsibility for your life. For me it gave me somewhere I felt I truly belonged that is something I’d never had before, and it will always be part of me.
I came to Core after 30 years of drug use, a long prison sentence and a chaotic, wasted life. Facing death, I was desperate for help but had no confidence that I could find it or that Core (or anyone) could help.
Yet 3 years later, I’m clean, getting my life together and coping with the ups and downs of life. And there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be here to say that without Core.
What I found at Core was a community which gave structure and meaning to my life; a healthy community in which I could explore an abstinent life. The time I spent at Core was very hard work and frequently very painful but, for the first time in my life and much to my surprise, I found myself turning up every day and on time.
I have struggled to define precisely what it was about Core that was so effective. Perhaps there is no simple format or protocol that could be applied mechanically; somehow, the whole package combines to produce an environment that is both supportive and challenging. I was very impressed by the abilities and dedication of the staff. These were people I could trust and emulate.
It’s still a struggle to choose to stay clean. Totally rebuilding my life after so long is slow and daunting. But I wouldn’t go back to my old life for all the tea in China. I’ve been told I’m a better and nicer person to be around than I was when I was using, and that’s a powerful persuader.
I'd tried to stop using hundreds of time in the past but never managed to stay clean for more than a few months at most. I never thought I'd be able to say this but it’s great to be straight!
This page under construction 30/06/2008